England Day Seven

We squeezed every last drop of fun from London. Then fermented it to see what we'd get-- yum?

We started at the Natural History Museum. I couldn't wait to see the dinosaurs because I'm a child. I did the thing where I read informative signs that only I noticed and recited them to my wife, so she thinks I'm a genius-- hasn't worked so far. Looking at dinosaurs, I bounced back and forth between "why can't we coexist" and "I'll see you in my nightmares."

We crossed paths with a stuffed polar bear and thought about the one tied to a "long rope" so it could fish in the Thames. That was one of the royal pets we learned about during our tower explorations. I guess they don't make rope like they used to. We moved on to something for which I feel sympathetic-- the angler fish. They had a picture of a normal-looking angler fish. Then they showed a picture of the same fish with a giant food baby and the caption, "angler fish after a meal." This reminded me of the "Lesser Flamingos" sign at Busch Gardens Tampa. Don't let them keep you down! You are just as good as regular flamingos.

The next stop was Harrod's. I didn't know what Harrod's was, so I was flying blind. It was the world's most expensive shopping mall. Instead of Aeropostale, Hollister, and Auntie Ann's, Harrod's had Tiffany's, Louis Vuitton, and a wine bar. We went straight to the wine bar. We got ignored because we didn't look rich enough-- fair. I told my wife to wave her engagement ring over the bar, hoping to look more high-end. It did not work at all. Eventually, they came over and handed us a menu. Turns out we couldn't afford to breathe the air in here-- deep breath. We each ordered a glass of wine that we could not pronounce and got corrected on its pronunciation. Yeah, it's that kind of place.

I'm finally getting an explanation on why these lovely people enjoy warm flat beer-- the American nightmare. The bartender at our lunch spot had his argument lined up. I don't know what he said-- I literally didn't listen at all; I'm not drinking warm flat beer. I ordered the fish and chips. This was the fourth time, and I was happy with that decision. Could I get a beer over here? No, don't send the cask ale guy. Did anyone else work here? Are we going anywhere important next? Buckingham Palace-- what's that?

You can only see Buckingham Palace when the Queen is out of town. She's been in Scotland avoiding doing actual work. Taking what I do on any given weekday to a whole new level. As she is getting older, she's been relinquishing duties. I started to relate with the Queen of England. I even heard she eats fish & chips for lunch! 4 times a week? Anyway, we are twins.

Since the Queen and I are basically the same people (old, avoid work, loves fish and chips), let's see if we have the same opinion on art. This led us to the most extensive private art collection in the world-- Buckingham Palace. This was interesting because of two essential pieces of information. 1. I have absolutely no opinion of art, nor could I name any artist whose name I haven't heard in a movie. And 2. I really had to pee. This was a no-brainer. You know who always needs to go to the bathroom-- tourists. I bet that I would walk past 8 bathrooms before we even got up to the palace. Wait, this place wasn't usually open to the public. This place wasn't prepped for tourists. "Bathrooms will be available immediately after the tour." I could do this.

Turns out I could not do this. I tried to distract myself with the audio guide we got. I kinda skipped ahead, and it started to not make sense. I was 2 or 3 rooms ahead of the recording. "And on your left-hand side, you will see an original Rembrandt." Don't care gotta pee. I walked through the rest of the statues and really quickly and got outside to the bathrooms. The staff yelled at me about going to the toilet with the audio guide. Take it. I didn't want it anyway.

Dinner required what an elegant person like me calls "fancy clothes." I don't like wearing anything with sleeves. I found something that did, in fact, have sleeves. I wore whatever that was to Bob Bob Ricard. There was a button on the wall that said, "press for champagne." The waiter said, "hi," and then disappeared. This activated my restaurant anxiety. He eventually came back and said, "Sorry about the wait. I was giving you a chance to press the 'press for champagne button."

"I'm not pushing random buttons. Have you never seen a movie? Never push the big red button." My wife asked if we could split the Beef Wellington since it was recommended for two people.

I said, "Of course, darling, but what are you going to eat?" We settled on a 2/3 - 1/3 split. Top 5 meals of my life. Yes, it was time to get dessert. I got a lemon cake because my wife hates lemon, so I didn't have to worry about her stealing a bite-- half. I call it my Lemon Defense.

This was our last night over there. My legs were starting to give me dirty looks. I want to point out I didn't see the moon the whole time I was in this country. It was time to go back to the USA, where they have moons-- or at least the one.