ENGLAND

England Day One

Since learning the local language worked so well in Germany, we decided to go to England! A 9-hour flight from sunny Florida. Time to dust off all of our long sleeve shirts and something called, "pants."

As is common knowledge, Europe is in the future. Or in a different time machine— zone. I was on the plane and I had a book to read, which is like taking sleeping pills for me. I've been on the same word of the same page for like 4 months. I was mainly proud of myself for being responsible and aiming to get a goodnight's sleep before our big day tomorrow— the beer's free? Change of plan, boys.

I ended up with the Camden Helles and turned on Avengers Endgame— nosleeptilGadwick. How can anyone sleep on this Virgin Atlantic flight anyway? They came around every 8 or 9 seconds to hand me something. I'm talking snacks, beer, dinner, hot towels, and I switched to wine at some point for the larger serving size. It was a tempranillo-shiraz blend. It was also easier to convince the flight attendant that I was ordering 2 servings because my sleeping wife would drink one. By "convince," I mean at one point, she said, "You're going to drink both of these, aren't you?" I think she winked or something because she handed them both over.

After a while, I noticed the service slowed down. Then the lights went off after Endgame ended. I tried to move things around to get more comfortable, but I was too hyped after Endgame. If I ever woke up with superpowers, I'd have no questions. I'd just say, "It's 'bout time."

I think I fell asleep at some point. All I know is the lights came on, and I saw the graveyard of beer cans and mini wine bottles. At first, I was embarrassed, but then I was proud. Then when I watched the flight attendant scoop everything into a trash bag— right back to embarrassed.

We dropped off the luggage at our hotel since the room wouldn't be ready until at least 1 pm. It was 8:30 in the morning. We met my mother-in-law and sister-in-law in the lobby. The goal was to ride around on the Big Bus Tours double-decker bus to overview the city. The tour guide was great, and we got headphones to hear him better. Then we jumped off. Safely. Apparently, you could hop on and off all day. We got off at Trafalgar square and found a couple of photo ops. We jumped back on and had a different guide who handed out headphones to new passengers but never spoke. Why do we need headphones? Once all the new entries got headphones, we were at the next stop, and those people needed headphones. It's a never-ending circle. We jumped off for a market at Covent Gardens, and wouldn't you know it? They had beer.

My wife told me how famous The White Lion was and wondered if they had good beer. I hit her with, "Only one way to find out.”

Has anyone ever heard that beer is drunk warm over here? I thought that was folklore. They had Cask Ales. Those are served at "kinda slightly cold," but not American-cold. The draught beer, draft in American, is served regular beer cold— still not American-cold. The cask scene is kind of hipster, and those who like it search high and low to find it. I treated it more like I'm counting in a game of hide-and-seek, but we both know I'm never going to get to 10.

We were back on the bus. We couldn't make it to the hotel before our lunch reservation. Since our reservation is for Afternoon Tea at Mews of Mayfair, I don't think that's something we can take lightly. We headed straight there and were inexplicably still late.

Tea came with some sort of food tower designed for carb loading. The bottom tier was finger sandwiches, the middle level was scones, and the top field was desserts. Everything was tasty, and we had a blast. I drank the English Breakfast, and even though it was lunchtime, no one seemed to mind. What they did seem to mind was literally everything else I did. I didn't strain the tea properly, I was getting crumbs everywhere, and at one point, I asked the server to take my plate away since I wasn't using it.

She countered with, "Why don't you use it instead?" Touche.

Then for the cherry on top, I told the server we were "all set."

Which is my classic "please get the bill I would like to eventually leave this place" line. That didn't translate, and she just kept putting her ear closer and closer to my face. Please send help.

We made it to the hotel alive, and at this point, my clothes were like a second skin. But not like in a fantastic superhero costume way. It's more like a skin I want to peel off and then slither away. I do that only the slithering is aimed towards the bed, and then I full-on nap.

I woke up in bliss— my wife telling me I was behind schedule. I'm pretty sure I showered. We went to Star Tavern for dinner. The first stop of my fish and chips journey. Apparently, this is where they planned the great train robbery. I've read that book! The beer was cold, and the food was good. Nothing else to report except the toilet flushes from a chain in the ceiling. Depending on your situational awareness, this could cause an issue. I hit my head on the chain.

It was time to begin general meanderings towards the hotel while looking for more things to drink. There was a lovely wine restaurant called Gaucho in one of the more charming alleys. We grabbed a bottle there. The atmosphere was pleasant, and the bottle was great. I'm serious about the alley— adorable.

They all went upstairs, but I stopped at the hotel bar. Did I really need a final beer— no. But I did need water. My biggest issue with traveling is not having access to water. I sat down and ordered the Anytime IPA. Similar to one of my favorites, All Day IPA. I let the bartender know I would be drinking lots of water, and he said he was ready. I sipped the beer and shot down about 8 waters. The bartender told me all the best spots to see in London, and I showed him my wife's itinerary— he was impressed. Thank goodness he didn’t have cask ales.