I’m Just Not a Joiner

Austin Day Two

Due to my relationship with rental cars, I was not invited to pick this one up. I was allowed to get in the car once they got back. We made the drive to Fredericksburg, an old German-style town in Texas. We stopped for one of the nation's best breweries, Altstadt Brewing. They served beers in liter-sized cups—my favorite way to use the metric system. We sat in the courtyard and listened to recorded live music, which led to confusion. I also received my first birthday present. An athletic material brewery shirt that hugged in all the right places-- and the wrong one. The one for which breweries are responsible.

We continued driving to the stores in Fredericksburg. The goal was to kill time until lunch-- it feels like I'm at work. My wife was sure to point out a bar sign that said, "Husband Day Care." We met back up at Vaudeville to eat. Vaudeville was a fancy sandwich place, and I got a towering Reuben. The restaurant was in the basement. After that sandwich, I wasn't sure I would make it up the stairs. After lunch, we shopped around a little more.

The rest of this evening was relaxing at our AirBnB villa. I call it a villa because my wife and I slept in the pool house, and I don't know what villa means. The pool house had a microwave and silverware but no fridge. Am I supposed to keep the beer in the microwave? The refrigerator is the only thing I need. Surprise! It was in the bathroom closet-- obviously. We watched Emma Stone turn Cruella into a misunderstood, lovable scamp and called it a night. We had wineries to battle in the morning.

Despite my protest, we did not visit Big Ass Winery. The first stop permitted was William Chris Winery. It was great for the world's only double first name winery. They must have long last names or have never named anything before. The wine was tasty, and our host was phenomenal. We walked around the spacious grounds – everything is indeed bigger in Texas. Then I realized that my wife and mother-in-law would be grilling every host with questions all day. They had better be ready.

Pedernales Winery had one of the best winery views in America (seriously, National Geographic said so!) This place had wine and entertainment. The host was great but, more importantly, willing to put up with our shenanigans. He recognized us as wine people, so he used descriptors like "manure." I said, "Yeah, I mean, we're cool. I love manure." Nailed it. Then he offers to embarrass us with a dirty joke about Tempranillo, but he's worried since we're all out with Mom. She responded that she's the worst of any of us.

I said, "Yeah, I got some of the Jason Mamoa texts."

She yelled, "We have the same birthday!"

The host and I looked at each other equally confused. Then I said, "I'm sorry, you were trying to embarrass us?"

Looking defeated, the host said something like, "Tempranillo translates to 'little one that arrives early.' That's why all my girlfriends call me that."

My mother-in-law said, "Delivery needs a little work." Wrecked.

To add to my obsession with fast food I can't have at home, we head to Whataburger. Nothing like a burger to fuel you through 5 wineries. They go well together. I got the double to save room for wine. I'll get the triple at the airport in Dallas. This one was up there with Jack-in-the-Box. Better than In-N-Out burger-- see you in the comments.

We stopped at Signor Winery next. This was the only place we came across Pinot Noir. The winemaker was from Oregon, and they ship in the grapes from Oregon as well. I know this because they responded to my Instagram story to let me know. I meant no harm! I was just happy to find a Pinot Noir. The thin-skinned grapes don't grow well in the Texas heat.

The stop to end the day was Augusta Vin. Easily the fanciest of the day. I can confirm this because of the server's speech to the table behind us. Their kid was roaming around the stairs.

The server said, "I'm going to have to ask you to have the little man sit down at the table."

I'm going to interrupt to say at this point in the speech to say it is reasonable. The family said no problem and went to get him. However, the server continued, which drives me crazy when people get the result they want and keep digging until they meet resistance.

He continued, "This isn't a 'run-around' kind of place. We have a lot of members here. Those members spend a lot of money, and they don't want to have a kid running around while they're drinking wine."

After this buzzkill, our server tried to get us to become members in this 'active-child-dislike' club-- or whatever they call it. I was more likely to join the 'run-up-and-down-the-stairs' club-- but no one believes that. The wines were outstanding. The scenery was lush with vines and incredible sunset views.

We went back to our villa and got Hot Mamacitas for dinner. My wife said it was called 'Mamacitas.' I knew that. I liked mine better. Good thing I filled my bathroom closet fridge with beer!