Austin Day 2

Austin Day Two

Due to my relationship with rental cars, I wasn’t invited to pick this one up. I was allowed to get in once they returned. We drove to Fredericksburg, an old German-style town in Texas. Our first stop? One of the nation’s best breweries, Altstadt Brewing. They served beers in liter-sized cups—my favorite way to use the metric system. We sat in the courtyard and listened to recorded live music, which led to a bit of confusion.

I also received my first birthday present: an athletic material brewery shirt that hugged all the right places—and the wrong one. The one for which breweries are responsible.

We kept driving around Fredericksburg, killing time until lunch. It felt like being at work. My wife was sure to point out a bar sign that read, "Husband Day Care."

We met back up at Vaudeville for lunch. Vaudeville was a fancy sandwich spot, and I went for a towering Reuben. The restaurant was in the basement, and after that sandwich, I wasn’t sure I’d make it back up the stairs. After lunch, we shopped around a little more.

The rest of the evening was spent relaxing at our AirBnB villa. I call it a villa because my wife and I slept in the pool house, and frankly, I don’t know what villa means. The pool house had a microwave and silverware, but no fridge. Am I supposed to keep the beer in the microwave? The refrigerator is the only thing I need.

Surprise! It was in the bathroom closet—obviously.

We watched Emma Stone turn Cruella into a misunderstood, lovable scamp and called it a night. We had wineries to battle in the morning.

Despite my protest, we did not visit Big Ass Winery. The first stop we were allowed was William Chris Winery. It was great for the world’s only double-first-name winery. They must have either long last names or have never named anything before. The wine was tasty, and our host was phenomenal. We walked around the spacious grounds—everything is, indeed, bigger in Texas. Then I realized my wife and mother-in-law would be grilling every host with questions all day. They had better be ready.

Pedernales Winery had one of the best winery views in America (seriously, National Geographic said so!). This place had wine and entertainment. The host was great, but more importantly, he was willing to put up with our shenanigans. He recognized us as wine people, so he started using descriptors like “manure.” I said, “Yeah, I mean, we’re cool. I love manure.” Nailed it.

Then he offers to embarrass us with a dirty joke about Tempranillo but hesitates since we’re all out with Mom. She responded, “I’m the worst of any of us.”

I said, "Yeah, I got some of the Jason Mamoa texts."

She yelled, "We have the same birthday!"

The host and I exchanged a confused glance. Then I said, "I'm sorry, you were trying to embarrass us?"

Looking defeated, the host replied something like, "Tempranillo translates to 'little one that arrives early.' That's why all my girlfriends call me that."

My mother-in-law immediately chimed in, "Delivery needs a little work." Wrecked.

To add to my obsession with fast food I can’t get at home, we headed to Whataburger. Nothing like a burger to fuel you through five wineries. They go together. I got the double to save room for wine. I’ll get the triple at the airport in Dallas. This one was up there with Jack-in-the-Box—better than In-N-Out burger. See you in the comments.

Next, we stopped at Signor Winery. This was the only place we came across Pinot Noir. The winemaker was from Oregon, and they ship in the grapes from Oregon as well. I know this because they responded to my Instagram story to let me know. I meant no harm! I was just happy to find a Pinot Noir. Those thin-skinned grapes don’t grow well in the Texas heat.

The stop to end the day was Augusta Vin. Easily the fanciest of the day. I can confirm this because of the server's speech to the table behind us. Their kid was roaming around the stairs.

The server said, "I'm going to have to ask you to have the little man sit down at the table."

I’ll interrupt at this point to say it’s a reasonable request. The family agreed and went to get him. However, the server kept going, which drives me crazy when people get the result they want and still keep digging until they hit resistance.

He continued, "This isn't a 'run-around' kind of place. We have a lot of members here. Those members spend a lot of money, and they don't want to have a kid running around while they're drinking wine."

After this buzzkill, our server tried to get us to join their 'active-child-dislike' club—or whatever they call it. I was more likely to join the ‘run-up-and-down-the-stairs’ club—but no one believes that.

The wines were outstanding, and the scenery was lush with vines and incredible sunset views.

We went back to our villa and got Hot Mamacitas for dinner. My wife said it was called ‘Mamacitas.’ I knew that. I liked mine better. Good thing I filled my bathroom closet fridge with beer!