Halloween Horror Nights Day Two

The driver, I mean Captain of the boat to Universal Studios— he's got jokes. Are they boat-themed? "My first mate is brand new. He asked if boats sink very often. I told him not to worry— it's usually just the once." He was so good I thought he should take a 'bow.' Aren't you glad we didn't take the bus?

We started this bright sunshiny day with a trip to Islands of Adventure. I needed something to wake me up after a night of nightmares following the ten haunted houses. How about the Hulk? Well, I can't get my eyes to stop watering. I feel like this roller coaster is throwing me directly into the sun. I'm staring right at it.

After that, we walked by Kong. We walked right on past it because no one thinks I'd like it. You don't have to tell me twice. Well, we're riding it now. I loved it, and my wife felt sick— that one backfired. I couldn't tell what was real and what was CGI. I took my glasses on and off to check. I missed half the story and got sprayed in the eye— I took full responsibility. Don't tell me how dirty the water is.

If you're an American Express cardholder, you and your party can access their lounge. It's quiet but has a lot of people. I'm not sure you can keep this many people that quiet. American Express people, I guess. I'm not here for awkward silences. I'm here for tiny bottles of water and Nature's Valley bars— there are a billion of each. There's no way they take inventory on these things. I almost expected the granola bars to be American Express flavor. You wouldn't believe how many of these I could fit in my mouth— slightly less than 1.

Next up was Jurassic Park. One of my wife's favorite rides here at the park. She loves the ride, and I love not getting wet. We compromised. We go on the ride, but I'm going to hide under the railing like a child. My wife didn't know about my half of the compromise— wish me luck! That was a medium to light soaking. Not as bad as the look I got for hiding under the railing.

We were all starving, so we got Moe's before our pre-turn-up nap. A decision that we came to regret. This is not a linner situation. We ate a late lunch, napped, and ate an early dinner— we did both. After I woke up from a consensual coma, I learned to communicate with my fellow humans once again.

Dinner was at the new Big Fire. Not "Coal Fire," "I Don't Know Some Kind of Fire," or any of our other guesses. It was Big Fire. Without the ability to consume another drop of alcohol, we all order soda. Somehow the soda replenishes our electrolytes— or will to live— or whatever, but let's get our drink on. We got Harry Potter World exclusive Dragonscale Red Lagers and went to Hogwarts for the light show. They were doing a special one for Haunted Horror Nights. These shows are always so great. I don't know how they do them. I assume it's some fancy overhead projector. I definitely couldn't get an overhead projector to work this well. I know my 4th-grade social studies teacher sure couldn't.

I wanted to get some use out of my "I'm just here for the boos" T-shirt. It has a little ghost on it that looks like he parties. We got drinks and hit the scare zones. It was all about getting the best seats to watch people scream while getting scared by strangers with chainsaws. It mainly was me screaming.

The highlight of the scare zone watching was a shift change of the chainsaw wielders. My goodness, could they clear a street. All the mid-shift workers were ready to go home, and all the night shift workers— or should I say Grave Shift workers— started work by lining up and running everyone off the main drag. I can't think of a better team-building exercise than a group, causing mass involuntary screaming— among other unintended things. This all took place while I volunteered to try Duff Brewing's Dufftoberfest. As some of you, besides my wife, may know, my dream day here is to get a Duff beer and then ride the Men in Black ride. I prefer Dragonscale, but it's further away. I would switch between those two things until my scores get lower from intoxication rather than higher from practice. Now, I was having a Dufftoberfest and watching the Florida Chainsaw "Shift-Change-Occur"— is that the right amount of syllables? Scare zones and Dufftoberfest was the Haunted Horror Nights version of that dream day.

Hellbilly deluxe was Rob Zombie-themed. I don't know how he got a scare zone and a haunted house, but he sure loves scaring people.

Vanity ball was about plastic surgery mishaps and trying to call people onto the stage. That last part was my wife's genuine fear— trying to keep me off the stage.

Double-tap is Zombieland-themed and had zombies trying to breathe as close to you as possible.

Vikings Undead was dark and depressing and somehow colder than the rest of the park— Idk.

AnArcade was lit, like lit up. It had cool lights and women on stilts— a sensory overload.

Can we get the same boat captain on the way home? That would float my boat.

Until I get dragged somewhere else,

A Lazy Husband.