One-Shot

I think it’s time that we got written proof that I had gone running in my lifetime. Even if just for posterity’s sake. Let’s not go crazy though. I didn’t run a marathon. Or a half marathon. Or even a quarter marathon. I did however run 3/25ths of a marathon. One might call it a 5K. Fine, I ran a 5K. But not just any 5K. Do you seriously think that I would get out of bed for that? Nope. This was a zombie-themed 5K. They had a make-up company come and paint willing participants up to look like zombies. At least I hope they were just people in make-up and not, you know, real zombies. What a time for a zombie apocalypse to start, huh? Everyone already in zombie make-up. You think it’s some guy over-acting. Give me a break, buddy. *Bites you*. Anyway, the zombies chased you and tried to grab your flags. You had 3 flag-football flags on a belt.

There was an added incentive to get me mobile. Tickets came with a free beer! Let’s get the beer first to calm my nerves. Not too much beer though, I didn’t want to forget that they weren’t real zombies. A couple came up and offered their tickets to us. Yes please! Pleasure doing business with you. My wife didn’t need another. What a coincidence! I needed a third. I had just enough buzz to forget I that had to go running, yet not enough to physically engage not-real-zombies. We had to line up in the corral. The human categories were breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The first two already ran. We were the dinner. We’ll see about that.

The starting gun (I doubt it’s a gun, I don’t know something made everyone start running) sounded. I immediately tripped and fell and started bleeding. I did some cool combat roll (nope) to get up. The guy next to me apologized for knocking me down. That’s cute, but I didn’t even know you were there. I just assumed this was my fault. I said to him, “Same team. No problem.” My wife leaned over and said, “You’re already covered in mud. That always makes it more fun.” I said, “OK,” and bumped her into the nearest mud puddle. I found out after that the puddle had some rocks in it and she now has a knee scar. Something to remember me by. She’s fine! I apologized.

This 5K had obstacles. I know I mentioned the zombies, But there were also obstacles. The zombies didn’t just chase you through the woods the whole time. They hung out by the obstacles and waited to ambush you. A few of the obstacles included live electricity. Wasn’t running bad enough? Now I was getting shocked? Yes, I paid to do this. We had to crawl through a giant open warehouse with cables hanging from the ceiling. I did not get zapped, so I cannot report the intensity. I did however save a stranger from standing up too early. Just when they thought they cleared all of the cables, they had one an inch from their forehead. I stopped them and they tried to thank me. No time. I was just doing my humanly duty.

Typically, the zombies were standing right in front of the obstacle. They tried to grab you as you approached. So far, I had not lost a flag, but my wife had. My strategy was run really fast right at someone and then stop at the last second. Then we look at each other confused and I took off. My wife waited until everyone was chasing me then sneaked down the side. It really was more of a walk-sprint style 5k than a constant jog. The next event involved losing kneecaps. I mean crawling across a rocky riverbed with about an inch of water. I thought river stones were supposed to be smooth! These must have been sharpened just for the event. I wouldn’t put it past them. It seems someone lost a flag in the riverbed. It traveled down the inch of water on the current. I opened my bloody hand and grabbed that sucker. I tried to find who it came from— just kidding. The only objective was survival. I didn’t have any room on my belt since I had all 3 flags (toots own horn), so I gave it to my wife. I am an excellent provider.

She lost one more flag at the next obstacle. Then here came The Flash. What a waste of capital letters. This zombie was wearing a Flash shirt to a 5K. There was no chance we were going to get along. I saw him standing in front of something I had to run around. We both passed him easily. Then Flash starts walking towards my wife, who was in cool down mode after we completed the obstacle. No other zombie the whole time has followed us after an obstacle. It was an unspoken safe zone. This guy came right up behind her. While she was WALKING and took off a flag. Then ran away. Ohhhh, this wasn’t over. This guy accurately represented how I feel about the DC Universe. And also, that’s my wife. Equally important— kind of.

Round two with The Flash started in a big open space in front of a trail that led to a pool of dyed red water. Again, I hope this was dyed red and not real blood. I would find out later that the water is beyond ice cold. So probably not blood? Anyway, back to the final boss scene. I metaphorically pointed him out. We locked eyes. A crow cawed in the distance. No tumbleweeds though it was too muddy. I juked this guy out so bad he fell. I am not joking, but I did stop to laugh. Uh-oh, he’s getting up. Gotta go. I ran as fast as I could. Which is half of my normal speed (still not fast) because I was exhausted. Anyway, I made it and jumped off some hay and into the ice-cold blood-water. It’s probably at least 1% real blood at this point. Knowing I was safe in the pool, and my wife got around all this. I stood up real slow, like Godzilla coming out of the Pacific. That’s in my head though. In reality, I probably looked like the girl from The Ring. I smiled and did that weird swim/walk thing to the other side. We will not be seeing that guy again. He was defeated.

However, I did find out that he was not the final boss. We had an extra-life checkpoint along the way. It was a giant hay tower covered in flags. Down to one, my wife grabbed a flag. I was not allowed to take a fourth flag. I asked, but I’m maxed out (toot toot). Immediately after, we saw the final big zombie zone. I tried to do my run stop thing, but it did not work on the real final boss. Eat your heart out Flash. This biker guy is a solid 300 pounds, and he swatted me out of the air like a volleyball. He grabbed a flag on the way down and I scurried away. After I got around everyone, I asked for directions. I had done this at basically every stop since my wife wasn’t right next to me to tell me where to go. I was constantly lost, much like in real life. These were the first people to LIE to me. They sent me into a dead end and cornered me. IT WAS A TRAP. They grabbed another flag - and my pride - as well. I was down to my last flag.

I saw the finish line. Well, that was a stretch. It wasn’t so much a finish line as it was a fence with a few holes dug under it. I guess you had to crawl under. With no one around this shouldn’t be too hard. Just got to walk over there and— here came a horde of zombies from around the corner. Deuces. I sprint for the fence (finish line). I decided to Pete Rose slide under it. It went about as well as his entry into the Hall of Fame. I was stopped instantly by what I can only imagine are the same rocks from the riverbed earlier. Was there some sort of local non-profit that sharpens rocks for 5Ks? My goodness. I crawled across what was basically broken glass and am pretty sure I was unconscious for a quick sec. I was never able to confirm or deny that the fence was electric, but I was definitely bleeding from the cuts on my stomach.

A woman was standing there holding up two medals. One says I survived, and one says completed. I didn’t want a participation trophy. I turned my belt around to reveal that my butt flag was still on. That’s right it was the butt one. Secret of the pros. She handed me the survivor medal. Just then my wife came strolling through. She had a flag too! Two survivor medals please! Then we took our bloodiest, muddiest picture ever.