Park Themed Beers
Universal Studios Day One
In the car, my wife and I finally realized we weren’t alone—both of us had been zoned out, staring at the same patch of road like it held life’s secrets. Once we rejoined reality, we tackled the trip budget. She launched into coupon-clipping strategies, and I drifted off into a glorious daydream of strutting around in all four Hogwarts house robes, dousing myself in unicorn tears from a souvenir cup. We met in the middle: no souvenir cup. That saved us half the cost and 100% of the weird looks.
At Sapphire Falls, we opted for two queen beds instead of a king. Not because of our usual protocol of eating in one bed and sleeping in the stainless, crumb-free second. Nope, this time we had amusement-park-loving friends splitting the room. I spotted them in the lobby from a mile away—their backpack was a dead giveaway. I waved them over, and we made a quick plan before heading upstairs. Once settled, I casually mentioned that I’m afraid of the dark. It’s important to set the tone early in these situations.
We had to get on a water taxi, which is the most extraordinary way to get to the park. While waiting in line, we came up with our drinking game for the day: drink every time you see a dad in cargo shorts. Take a second drink if he looks miserable. We had to quit pretty early due to a tragic collision of human physiology and statistics.
A family was trying to take a selfie with the water in the background, so I decided to do the right thing—walk right past them and mind my own business. They didn’t ask me to take any photos! It drives me crazy when I get the lighting perfect, the frame just right, and my less chubby cheek lined up—only to have some cargo-short-wearing guy walk by saying, “Haha, want me to take one for you?”
My wife doesn’t share this philosophy and offered to take their picture. They said no! Ha! I was ready to walk off into the sunset, laughing inappropriately, when they changed their minds and agreed. Several hours passed. Or maybe it just felt that way.
When we got to the part of the park I’d been waiting for—Marvel Super Hero Island—we went straight to Doctor Doom’s Fear Fall. I hate drop towers, but I love the ones that shoot you up. We got in line, and I started to panic. She kept reassuring me it was the shoot-up side, not the drop-down side. The more she said it, the less I believed her.
We also rode my favorite Universal Studios ride, The Amazing Adventures of Spider-Man. I promised her we’d ride The Hulk the next night. Spoiler alert: I broke that promise.
The guys put their backpacks in the lockers before we rode Escape from Gringotts. When we came back, the wives were deep in conversation with a Harry Potter-obsessed employee spilling the secrets of the Wizarding World’s hidden drink menu. Naturally, I was sent as the scout. I leaned across the bar and whispered, "Let me get The Triple. Don’t worry. I’m cool." The bartender stared at me like I’d asked for a unicorn horn. "I have no idea what you’re talking about," he said. I walked out empty-handed and a little humbled, clutching another Dragon Scale lager. At least it’s one of my all-time favorites.
My wife? She pulled it off. She ordered the triple-layered drink—Dragon Scale, Strongbow Cider, and Guinness—and every time she orders it, people ask about it. The layers are crystal clear, like a magic potion. Next, we hopped in line for Men in Black.
"Let’s make this interesting," I said. "Lowest score buys the next round." A guy in line started giving my wife tips. I listened intently from a distance, absorbing every word. Before we reached the ride, she tried to pass the advice to our friends, but I shushed her. Competitive edge secured, I didn’t come in last. I might go pro. I told an employee my score, and he smirked, "First time?"
Dinner at Antojitos was great—the food, not the tap list. Luckily, Jurassic Park came through. They had a new beer to celebrate Velocicoaster’s opening: Isla Nublar, a tropical IPA. We grabbed it from Natural Selections, our favorite booth across from the main one. The main booth always has a ridiculous line. Natural Selections? Quick and efficient.
"Is it the beer with the shark tap handle?" my wife asked.
"No," I said. "Why would it have a shark? It’s a dinosaur beer." The tap handle, of course, was a Mosasaur eating a shark. She was right. Again.
The only other goal tonight was to ride Velocicoaster. We’d done it earlier, but everyone said the real magic was at night. Universal is leaning more into coasters and less into virtual rides, which I fully support. The themed decor, hilarious pre-ride video, and terrifying raptors—statues or not—were top-notch. But just as we were ready to ride, rain hit. Enough to shut everything down.
Once I heard it was closed, I became a dad trying to beat traffic. No one else moved. "What are we doing?" I asked.
"If you wait long enough, they give out free Express Passes," someone said.
"This looks like a good place to sit," another added.
After 15 minutes and three knee cracks, I was on the ground. Naturally, that’s when everyone started moving. Getting up takes longer. By the time I was upright, we were perfectly positioned if the ride reopened. Don’t let my excitement fool you—I complained the whole time. They need in-line beer booths for this kind of nonsense. Instead, I spent the wait reading Epic Universe theories and complaining some more. We eventually got our Express Passes and left, not a drop of rain on us.
I caught up on drinks at Rising Star, the live band karaoke bar. I tried to work up the courage to sing. My preparation involved clearing my throat a lot and having a minor panic attack. By the time I agreed, the list was full. I could’ve spent that warm-up time looking up more Men in Black tips.
