How to Wait in Line

Universal Studios Day Two

We rode Rip Ride Rocket, where you had to choose music to accompany the ride. Naturally, I asked if they had any Melodic Metalcore. They didn’t, but they had Heavy Metal, so I went with Motley Crue. My wife, notorious for being overwhelmed by menus, took too long to pick, and the ride made the decision for her. It chose French Jazz/Electronica. No Melodic Metalcore, huh?

We got up early since we had early access passes. That was why we went to bed early… well, I meant to go to bed early. Wait, scratch that—I forgot. So, I made my bed and had to lie in it. I wish I could've just lied in it for real. We tried to ride as much as possible before the peasants—people without early access—arrived. Our mission? Get to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

My wife and the better half of our couples-friends are obsessed. To join in, I’d been memorizing Harry Potter trivia to either enjoy something with my wife… or become more powerful than the both of them combined. Spoiler: I wasn’t even close. I’ve listened to all the audiobooks though—I’m not allowed to say I "read" them. This massive team knowledge got us second place in two Harry Potter-themed trivia nights. Still no gold, though.

Once, the tie-breaker for first place was, “How far is Universal Studios from this bar?” How did we miss that!?

I made my famous "Let's get a beer at 10 am" joke—it's not a joke. Welcome back to our Untappd account, DragonScale. We wandered through robe shops and a few other kinds of memorabilia. Then we made our way over to the wands. They had a show about picking out a wand, and I tried to stand near the front because I heard they pick a crowd volunteer. No one told me they only choose kids—rude—well, my wife did tell me. Then, I got banished to the back row because my big head was blocking the view. Thanks, I had a blast back there.

Next, we went to Knockturn Alley—now that's the real party. How was it so dark in there? Wasn't it daytime? I was genuinely terrified.

The train took us from Harry Potter World in Universal Studios to Harry Potter World in Islands of Adventure. They played a video of Harry Potter things on the windows, and I honestly didn’t believe we were moving. I thought it was some kind of movie-watching experience. My wife had to convince me that we had actually moved to Islands of Adventure.

One way or another, we ended up in Islands of Adventure. We checked out the Hog's Head and drank more Harry Potter beer. They had Hog's Head Red and Butterbeer, of course, but they also had fire whiskey. You could get a shot, even a double, but you couldn’t mix it with the Butterbeer—it’s non-alcoholic. What you could do was turn around, hide in a corner, and become a potions master. The bartenders even said, “No potions at the bar, please.”

Then, it was time for the real reason I got out of bed—Hagrid’s Magical Motorbike Adventure. Since it would be a long wait, we grabbed fresh beers and busted out the Harry Potter trivia cards my boss doesn’t know I printed at work. What could possibly go wrong?

Things very quickly went wrong. Early in the line, we passed a beer stand. Since we had just filled up, we moved right past it. With the added encouragement of in-line libations, our drinking rate increased. Looking for the next beer stand was a lost cause. Why was the only one at the beginning? We could bring beers into line. We didn’t need the stand until later. At least we had the trivia cards.

Everyone knew 90% of the answers. Our Ravenclaw nerd knew about 100%. When it was our turn, you could choose to ride the motorcycle or the sidecar. My wife said, “Shotgun motorcycle.” Sucker—the sidecar is where it's at. Hagrid’s Magical Motorbike Adventure might be the best roller coaster ever—if you rode in the sidecar. It’s super low to the track! Take a stand. Pick a side—#teamsidecar.

Jurassic Park sounded good in the daylight and might even be my wife’s favorite ride in the park. We ended up in the single-rider line. My two favorite things—wet clothes and strangers! My wife and I were lucky enough to get on the same raft. Don’t be fooled, though; they do split parties up. Next to us was a boy about seven. He didn’t have anyone sitting next to him. He asked if it was our first time—I must have looked nervous. He put his feet up on the empty seat, flipped down his sunglasses, and said, “This is my 15th time today.” How was this kid so cool? Where were his parents?

We went back to the room for a full-on nap. Afterward, we floated back to the park. There was a light show scheduled to be projected onto Hogwarts, starting right after sunset. When was that? There was no way to know if it had already happened. My wife said it was still bright out, so that meant—no, it hadn’t happened yet. I knew it was coming because the employees started herding us toward the front. Fourteen people screamed, “Move up!” at the top of their lungs. We pretended we couldn’t hear them. I looked up like I was trying to count the stars. Since the sun was still up, I got to 1. It took me until the end of the show to realize I was out of beer. It must have been good.

Since the park was getting ready to close, we made plans to head to City Walk. My wife wanted to try the Italian place, Vivo. Excuse me, what was that noise? A party whistle? No, it was the fire alarm—does my wife cook here? We started to get up, but the bartender didn’t seem concerned. We asked him if we should leave. His expression was basically, "Why?" The entire time we were there, BEEP every few seconds. BEEP after the appetizers. BEEP while we were deciding on menu options. BEEP. Nobody had any intention of turning it off. It kept going the whole time.

I had the squid ink pasta because I heard Gordon Ramsay say "squid ink pasta" once. As we wrapped up the last sip of wine—me inverting the bottle into my mouth—the beeping finally stopped, and we walked out the door.

It was time to get a good night's sleep to be ready for the drive tomorrow—or we could go clubbing. Clubs are my nightmares. If I wanted nightmares, I could've just gone to sleep! After it went exactly how I thought it would—bam, it was 2 am! What am I, in my mid-to-early-twenties? I’ll never recover from this. Not much difference between a 2 am beer and a 10 am beer.

Until I get dragged somewhere else,

A Lazy Husband.